IS DIVORCE THE
ANSWER
If you think choosing a life
partner and getting married is a hard decision to make you have not tried
divorce,getting
a divorce is an extremely hard decision to make as it doesnt just affect you it
has far reaching effects some felt years after the divorce justified or not.
As is the tradition with old
friends when they meet after some time my friend
Noami not her real name and i
were catching up on our lives and activities and of course those of our familes and friends .We were childhood friends the
kind that know you better than your parents or spouse .We were the same tribe and
language our parents were friends,who had attended the same schools,we had also
attended the same schools,married the same year ,had our 1st sons the same year
went into marriage as 2nd wives,i married a divorcee she had to cope with a 1st
wife.we lived 15 mins away from each other and were there for each other during some really
trying times
Naomi had come across some
good fortune and i was ecstatic with joy for her, her husband had finally
bought her a new car after 14years of marriage,she was also ready to start a
new business.her marriage was stronger than it had ever been,her children were
hale and hearty she had reached a level where she could ignore her husbands
other mischievous family.life was good and she was contented.this was not the naomi of the
last decade who was frazzled,frustrated and a shadow of my childhood friend
I had reached the level of
contentment she was now reaching much earlier and today we were just so happy
for each other,we had taken different routes to get to where we were now she
had persevered in her marriage i had to get thru a divorce and second marriage
to reach that level.my marriage was good and strong,my kids were good healthy
and smart,i had a good job and was doing what i loved developmental work and
writing.
We were rich in heart and
spirit and had a zeal for life.none of us could boast of having 1000 naira in
our bank account on this particular day but we were content.
We had been through some
really trying times but at this point in our lives the waters were calm and
tranquil.
I have always believed in
removing the smot from my eye before removing the log from someone elses
eye.Naomi and i had another close friend whose marriage was on the rocks.Bolas
marriage where do i start ok she had a degree but her womanising,arrogant
husband did not believe in wives working,he was a multi millionaire but his
wives were permanently cash strapped,she had inlaws that were impossible to
deal with malicious and vindictive.Her co wives so difficult to live with i
feared for my body each time i visited their house one of the cowives was
aggressive.Her children were bullied incessantly by their step siblings.her
life was no fun she was permanently miserable and visiting her was always
depressing.
Over the years we had formed
a kind of support group for each other ,we had 3 other friends in our support
group and ironically all were now doing well in their lives except Bola,we were all worried about
her but what could we do now that we hadnt done over the last 10years?
Naomis solution Bola should leave the marriage
as their was a complete breakdown of the marriage in her view.This was not a new solution Bola had left the marriage
several times but had always come back,what was different now was the fact that
the husband wanted her to leave and she was saying no.
Her reason she had wasted 10
years on a miserable marriage so she wasnt going to give him the satisfaction
of leaving.
2. She didnt trust her childrens
welfare in the hands of the other wives.Personally i felt she had nothing to
fall back on and was afraid of the unknown.This happens to everyone; men and women,i battled with
the fear of change in my marriage too before i finally took the leap.Nothing ventured, nothing gained, the
uncertainty and clinging on to bad relationships is amplified when the woman
has children and has no source of income and cannot return to her parents.
Culture and tradition does
not aid matters as divorce is not wanted in any culture.
I once met a lady from the
eastern parts of Nigeria at a conference in lagos who while discusssing the issue of broken
marriages told me that hausa women were lucky as the process of divorce was
easier and the stigma less than in Igbo land.I had always assumed things
were easier for our Igbo sisters but by the time she explained i didnt envy them.upon
my return to kaduna i was approached by an igbo woman who claimed her husband
was trying to kill her,upon interviewing the husband counter allegations
started flying,based on the knowledge gleaned from my discussions with the lady
in lagos advising this second lady was easy i referred her to a lawyer and the
police.I was not
going to wait for one of the couple to kill the other.
Recently the internet was
awash with the story of Titi who was killed by her husband in Lagos.Why breakdown of the marriage.
Back to the issue of Bola divorce may or may not be
the answer.If not
for the fact that Bola is a very religious person and murder a mortal sin,her
husband would have been long dead.What i do think is that she needs a
change of environment to assess things.She is so psychologically traumatised
that logic defies her.in her present state of mind her current reasoning is not
tenable.
A young man once brought me a
book he had written titled I hate divorce,i was in court at the time and there were about
10 people with us ,i read the title and asked him if he was married he said
no,he was in his early twenties and didnt seem to have a girlfriend.We talked for awhile and i learnt
he was close to his mother and also close to the church .This informed his view of
divorce.It took
me sometime to explain to him
that divorce is not necessarily a bad thing.It depends on the causes, the
parties and the end result one mans meat really is another mans poison. Advice
to couples let divorce be the last resort after every other option has failed.
